Vulnerable, angry, sad.... after four miscarriages, I decided to speak out

CORK-BORN Carol Khairuddin always wanted to be a mother for as long as she could .

“I mothered my Barbie doll, my cats, my dolls, my teddies, my friends, my husband,” says Carol from Carrigaline, who is 39.

“I always thought; one day I’ll get to do it; I’ll be somebody’s mum.”

Carol never thought her dream would prove to be so out of reach and the love cluster she craved was denied her after suffering four miscarriages, the most recent one in May.

After the first three miscarriages, I couldn’t speak, I was numb. I felt guilt and shame and felt losing the babies was all my fault.

“I decided to speak out this time. I suffered a miscarriage at the beginning of May, and I made a video diary which I found very helpful.”

Carol, who lives in Swansea, Wales, decided to jog 60 miles for SANDS, a group which exists to reduce the number of babies dying and to anyone affected by the death of a baby before, during, or shortly after birth, whenever this happened, for as long as they need . The charity provides a safe space for people to grieve and to find , whether you are a parent, sibling, grandparent, or friend.

One in four pregnancies end in miscarriage.

“Many women suffer in silence,” says Carol, who is married to Harris. “It is normal to speak out your feelings and not be ashamed.”

Carol had no reason to believe she would suffer recurrent miscarriages.

“I am healthy, I’m not overweight, I don’t smoke, and I drink very little,” says Carol.

The miscarriages take their toll.

“After the most recent miscarriage, I lost my voice and had an awful cough. I got counselling and spoke to colleagues in the work-place - the AA home and road association.

My friends and family were a great help and so was my church. I rested up but I’m not yet 100%.

“My hormones and my moods are all over the place and I’m tired and irritable at times.”

But all that didn’t stop her from pledging to jog 60 miles for the SANDS charity during the month of June.

It was a big challenge for Carol, who was not a runner.

Adele Sanders, Virtual Fundraising Officer of the SANDS charity, thanked Carol for undertaking the challenge.

“Thank-you once again for being part of this special challenge,” said Adele.

“By taking part, you are helping us to save babies’ lives and bereaved families.

“Every year in the UK more than 5,000 babies sadly die before, during and shortly after birth.

“We are determined to change this and ensure more families receive the happy ending that they deserve. Until then, we will be there for bereaved families to ensure that they receive the care and right for them.”

Carol raised more than €200 for the charity.

Was there any reason given why this healthy young woman suffered four miscarriages?

“It’s hard to say,” says Carol.

“Maybe the chromosomes were off, or the baby didn’t attach properly to the womb.”

Fortunately, Carol had great when she was bereaved.

“The NHS were very helpful, they were brilliant,” she says.

My colleagues and my friends were very ive. Sometimes, people don’t speak about miscarriage. But it is very important for both men and women to open up. It is the dad’s baby too.

“Talking about it helps stop any shame involved or the thoughts of any wrong-doing. The science says that miscarriage is nobody’s fault at all. And it affects men just as much; so many suffer in silence and there is no need to. They beat themselves up.”

Carol says it is hard to sum up her emotions after losing a baby.

“Devastation comes to mind,” she says. “You feel angry, you feel a sense of injustice, of unfairness.”

Carol was preparing to be a mother, something she always wanted.

“I realised after two miscarriages that these little babies were preparing me for motherhood,” says Carol.

“They were helping me understand the dangers, educating me what was right or wrong. They also proved that I could get pregnant at 39, even though you read scary statistics. These little babies have given me hope that I can become pregnant, which is a joy and a privilege, and they have prepared me emotionally for parenthood.

“Parenting can be heartache at any stage. I have stretched that heart muscle. But I can tell you that talking about it is good. In my case, it’s not a dirty secret. It made things easier, it lifted the sadness to verbally say that this child was wanted. 

This child was loved. It is sad it wasn’t given extra time with me. The child was created, loved and wanted.

Carol and Harris are moving house and have nice plans for their garden.

“We named each child that we lost, and we are going to grow a plant for each child in the garden so that they can grow alongside us,” says Carol.

“I’ll speak to the plants, update them, nurture them, celebrate them when they are blossoming, and protect them from storms that might attack.”

Losing a baby is a sad time in anyone’s life.

“There are no guarantees in life,” says Carol.

“My main aim is to normalise the conversation about miscarriages, highlight that one in four pregnancies end in miscarriage, and that there is no blame or shame in them. Many women go on to have healthy pregnancies after having one. I’m trying to end the stigma and taboo of this subject.

“It is a sad time for me. I feel vulnerable, angry and so sad. Hopefully I am strengthened for motherhood. It is the hardest job in the world and the best job in the world. I’ll never give up hope, and it is a topic of conversation I will never shy away from. I talk freely about the subject and that’s a good thing. And I know some day I’ll get to do it. I’ll get to be a mum.”

Carol wants to give a shout-out to her family and friends.

“My husband, Harris Khairuddin, My dog, Max, and cat, Freida. Donal and Ann O’Sullivan, parents. My brother Eoin O’Sullivan, his wife, Caroline and my nephews, Jack and Patrick. My brother Eamon O’Sullivan and his partner, Sheena. My sister, Cathy O’Sullivan and her partner, Mark. Pauline, (mum-in-law). Liza and Kevin. Azman and Elaine Khairuddin and Sasha and Josh, (brother-in-law, sister-in-law, nieces.)

“The communities of Siloam Baptist Church, the Mumbles Methodist Church and the Hill Church - all in Swansea. Adam and Bethan Greenway Terri and Kevin Booker.

“The rest of my family and friends in Swansea and Cork and across the world. SANDS. My counsellor, Kelly Kane NHS Wales staff at Singleton and Morriston Hospitals in Swansea. Above all, God.”

Anyone seeking in Cork, see https://www.corkmiscarriage.com/ for resources and details.