John Dolan: My eldest’s first ‘lads holiday’ - what advice will I give him?!

Last weekend, at a family get-together, I learned that the term ‘lads’ holiday’ has an expiry date.

I had casually mentioned a forthcoming mini-break I have planned with a group of fellas my own age - assorted dads, deadbeats, male friends, and acquaintances.

“It’s a ‘lads’ holiday’,” I declared,

My sister-in-law was having none of it.

“A ‘lads’ holiday’?” she chortled. “But you’re all pushing 50... or even 60,” she added, a tad cruelly I felt.

Said sister-in-law proceeded to twist the knife, indicating that 25, or perhaps 30, was a cut-off point in age for a ‘lads’ holiday’. Anything after that was just a load of men failing to hold their drink and swapping prostate stories.

“And you’re going to the Isle of Man... hardly Ibiza central,” she trumpeted, in a final blow to my pride.

I tried to protest, but she was right of course.

Way back in the 1990s, me and ‘the lads’ were 24-hour party people. Now we were a bunch of paunchy, middle-aged men with various hair-related hang-ups.

The boys who went ‘on tour’ in Malia in 1994 would be meeting up in Douglas in 2025 as 2.4 hour party people. Or even worse for us lightweights, 2.4 pint party people... then off home for an early night.

Away the lads indeed...

If that didn’t make me feel old, my eldest son then began to eagerly regale the family gathering about his forthcoming first ‘lads’ holiday’ abroad. This was a proper ‘lads’ holiday’, a big gang of young male friends all flying off to a party resort in Portugal to let their hair and hopefully not their parents down.

Naturally, I wasn’t a bit envious - honest!

But this rite of age for my son has done two things: It set me off reminiscing about my own ‘lads’ holidays’ in my younger days, and that prompted me to wonder what advice I should on to my 20-year-old in order that he will stay safe on his jollies.

I have compiled a few cautionary tales for him.

Case study one:

My friend, who, on the aforementioned holiday in Malia in Crete, hit the beach on the first day in order to develop an instant tan that would have the ladies swooning.

Only he overdid it, despite our words of caution, and got a nasty bout of sun-stroke, which led to him wandering the hotel corridors disorientated in his underpants. No swooning ladies were in evidence.

Luckily, our party included a guy who was mature and responsible enough to lead him away and hydrate him till he was better.

Tip: Always have a mature and responsible guy in your party.

Case study two:

If you’re booking an early morning boat trip after a boozy night, make sure you’re not prone to seasickness.

The sight of one of our party vomiting violently overboard, forcing the captain/DJ to abandon plans to drop anchor in that scenic spot for a deck dance and a swim, has long stayed with me, and possibly a good few of the would-be swimmers that day.

Tip: Make sure you have your ‘sea legs’ for an early boat trip, and try to eat something for breakfast - better still, go out in the evening instead when there is less chance of your insides churning.

Oh, and while on the subject of the sea, although skinny-dipping was funny in The Inbetweeners Movie - filmed in Malia a few years after my holiday there - I can guarantee at least one of your ‘friends’ will think it is ‘hilarious’ to pinch your clothes and run away while you frolic.

Case study three:

Don’t be ‘that’ guy who forgets to drink copious amounts of water in the heat, and neglects to eat food.

Sure, the beer will sustain them in the short-term, but a fainting episode may well ensue. And what if the ’mature guy’ of the group is back at the hotel tending to the idiot with sun-stroke?

Tip: At the risk of infantalising, eat food and drink water. Oh, and do NOT drink the water from taps on the continent! I refuse to share that unhappy case study.

Many of the other pieces of advice to offer before a ‘lads’ holiday’ will be obvious to all. Namely...

• Don’t fool about on balconies.
• that traffic drives on the right before you cross a road.
• Beware of tides and currents when in the sea - look out especially for warning signs and take extra heed on windy days or when the sea is devoid of other bathers.
• And, for god’s sake, do not drink too much on the flight, or get cheeky with the stewards and stewardesses on the plane.

Oh god, now I’ve started with the warnings, I can’t even stop.

• Protect your port, phone, and bank cards at all times, and be wary of pickpockets on the prowl for those who are worse for wear.
• Always be respectful to women.
• Don’t do drugs.

What else?

I’ve just had another worrying thought. As far as I’m aware, there isn’t a single photo in existence of my ‘lads’ holiday’ in Malia, since we were all too busy having fun to capture the moment for posterity.

Now, of course, we live in the smartphone/TikTok age...

Tip: Always act like somebody else is watching you, and filming you, as they almost certainly are. I don’t want any son of mine becoming a meme.

At least with my ‘auld lads’ break, what happens ‘on tour’, will stay ‘on tour’ - but only because our memories aren’t what they were!

I’ve covered the sun and the sea part of the warnings done - and I haven’t even got to advice about the third part yet. Um, I’ll get his mother to do that...

Of course, all my advice will inevitably fall on deaf ears - I mean, if my father had given me tips before my first holiday abroad (he didn’t), I would have ignored him anyway!

If there is just one word of advice I hope he heeds, it’s this: Have a great time, and make some wonderful memories.

Because one day, and sooner than you think, you too will be past the age limit for a ‘lads’ holiday’ and will be discussing prostates with a balding or grey-haired auld man.